1, 2, 3, 4, 5,...6

C'mon, give me a nickname. Myrtle is fitting for a turtle...or um, how 'bout just tied down for the next era. How long IS an era anyway, like forever I think. Yes, that's my pre-teen daughter coming of age in the background...hangs on my every choice as if she'll dare me to slip up and destroy her future. Moms can.

We are SO powerful, you have no idea...but in small, insignificant ways like cereal buying. Ever since the diabetes, been battling the sugar lords in my mind. Worse than the mafia, I assure you.

It's ALWAYS about my children, and forever shall be.

Being insane is fantastic

All through the grace of God! Slept decent, but when your final dream stars Adrianne Curry, who left the Brady for some bottom-of-the-barrel meth-head who has no apartment, but has the manipulation skills of a familiar ex-Mason...

and your walking past computers in terror has de-volved into trying desperately to type one last little message on a Word Processor with the keys falling off...well, it reminds.

Being back home with my kids today is all the grounding I'll need. Not everyone is as superior at handling the 40 below weather, or the laptop ban that average citizens take for pure granted, but at least, at least my mystical relief will be kind.

Maybe in time, I can forget that a woman last night had an actual orgasm as she prayed the spirit through my belly (ew!) That the prophesiers in the church saw that "my baby will live, he won't die".

I'll hold on to the perspective of the only rational man I encountered (Freemasonry? Yup, I said.) "No matter the outcome, it will be good," he looked at me like a clear-eyed father and said.

"No matter the outcome," I agreed, "it will be good."

Take the influential Kardashian sisters...

as an example. Anyone who's white who takes a Kardashian sister...never speaking to again. Ever. But truly, those large asses weren't graced upon them for no reason...God willed every interaction that complimented those booties...and bitches ate it up, like they always do.

And, they're not ghetto! I love that you never hear about them getting into fist-fights for no reason, and never does a black woman in her right mind say, "that's MY NBA star you're helping yourself to". It's GENIUS!!!

They're getting better at upstaging each other too, which is passion like I've never seen. Can hardly wait to see which enterprise will be taken over by their sensitive, and yielding, little brother.

But back to the most efficient portrayal of white women favoring black men because it's a free world, that I've ever witnessed. Healed every "but, you..." and "but, he..." and "what about..." even a seasoned on-the-fence racist thanks-to-the-media, like me would admit to believing.

I grew up in this culture, yet Black to the Future needs maintaining. These girls do it so authentically, through the pure act of love...replaced all my imaginings.

Waiting patiently for my Americano

Delivery service here, forgot to insist it be topped with whipped cream...will probably get two shots instead of my insane but usual four. It's decaf, so relax...nothing to be concerned or silent about. Decisions, decisions. Hmm.

The life of a free-flying mature, worldly mother...totally enjoying it, thank you. Apparently the Harvest House is a MUST, and some felafel experience I'll never be the same if I don't enjoy. Shall we go to Boulder on Monday? Heard it's unbeatable, so okay. Fine.

First church service is tonight, with a guaranteed meeting with both a "seer" and a "healer". I love the chance to watch God act through others, because I DO believe in it, but am extra-guarded so I don't lose my mind. Surrendering everything to God is one thing, listening to the devil imitating Him...leaves me slightly scared.

Oh prophets, and seers, and healers with the Word of God, be kind.

At what expense, you might ask.

Why, I'll get to that eventually, or if you know me, immediately. I had to wait to buy Glen Hansard AND Sting, or at least hold off a few weeks until our anniversary. Worth the delay? Um, at the time it sure wasn't. There's nothing in the world I desired more than to sit in my car, or in front of my DVD player (works with CDs)...and indulge right away.

I waited, however, like all good wives should. The celebration, and the meaning, and the waiting...wouldn't make me love them any lesser. Turns out, I hated both of the former, and liked Johansson and Pete Yorn better. Always rolls that way, when I wait, and I listen, and obey.

Not Winston Churchill enough

Just my opinion. I don't know what I was expecting, a little more stubborn bravado, less the composed academic we all grow tired of. And like Arianna suggested, a flight suit would've been nice.

I'm so glad I turned immediately to FoxNews for perspective after almost being enlightened by Obama's speech. It was refreshing to find actual journalists with real names, deciding with zero deliberation that this speech was the worst attempt at leadership ever witnessed.

A relief to those of us who oppose just to oppose, without even thinking. Quite the burden lifted, and no, I don't feel the least bit like a traitor. Personally, I raise my children with the "come back with your shield, or on it" mindset, and they know not to cross me. Laconic ancestry, if you must know...and Spartan.

Never would I spare the whip, lest I spoil my children into trusting me. Patriarchy is simply the best and only option, and I quote cartoon Linus whenever the holidays approach (it's my penchant for the city of David). Kidding, that privilege belongs to a rich storyteller whose ratings are worth more than the secrets that probably slip out regularly. Accidentally.

Just imagining, as usual.

Seeking a gifted theologian

Yes, I'd be in seminary right now debating my right not to be bishop, and coming to terms with that somehow. Easily, because I'm skilled at surrender, but I keep being tempted, you know, to blame all the Christians? I can barely help it at all.

See, their logic is to just convert everyone to the right savior, as if that momentary seeking alone provides every answer. Probably a fallacy somehow. And protecting unborn life at all costs, as if we'd quickly forget that all life REALLY MATTERS. Blind to the murderous men that surround us on just about every "potentially Christian" border.

Not quite seamless, somehow too far from salvation. Ignoring the teaching potential of grief, and loss, that happens in ALL stages of a woman's life. Stubborn male's resistance to balance, to trust... deciding the weight we ladies carry, whether we agree to it or not.

At least, I'd like to reconsider my price.

Typing

Not so far out of the loop as I had thought, wow, the military's efficient! I figured it was enough to just be glad to have some writing space in my basement, and the desire to reinvigorate my passion for word roots. So grateful, for all the possiblities available through technology.

That being said, I'm suffering from writers block. May be a permanent condition, I'm just sensing it now. Never knew it was something I'd be prone to, or something I'd decide to spend a whole Thanksgiving weekend contemplating...but of course I will.

Until then, I have just twenty minutes left to wonder what's standing in my way. Probably something silly and inventive. Usually how it works.

Vanilla and Coconut

Would never normally drink something that reminds me of cheap incense, but the dark-skinned Africans happened by in that moment, and I felt I had to choose. Won't dare tell you which teas I'm partial to, until I figure out the actual value difference between 2% of $800,000 versus 2% of $8,000,000. Both involving the number 16 somehow, I'd presume having already calculated it.

The first having to do with Sarah Palin's pivot, the second with slippery shoes guaranteed to increase the odds of head injury by merely entertaining the thought. Ooh, I hate voodoo (not really). Wonder when I can book that trip to Haiti, gonna wake all the zombies single-handedly. God knows I love the Caribbean!

My lust-filled weekend will never arrive if I keep rambling on like this, c'mon Jess, pray! Do you lay out all the reasons why Tyra and Gabbie have no place pretending to be cultured, no matter if one is the richest televisionista, and the other capable of inspiring young girls everywhere to run marathons for Build-a-Bear Workshop's good causes? Hmm, I just can't decide to know.

I was thrown for a loop

Mainly, I was surprised at how I anticipated her tears before they even came. Realized that I wasn't so afraid of telling her while crying, as disappointed that I couldn't maintain my "strong friend" composure. It's what people always seem to like.

I really hate disappointing everyone I know by being weak, not having perfection all together. It's not a task I assigned myself, I PROMISE YOU, it's something that just falls upon your shoulders when you buck the status quo your whole life. Suddenly you're some leader.

At the Disney-rips-off-our-small-town commercial event on Saturday, I had to come to terms with the fact that young mothers can be hurt if they don't have a reliable vision of strong others. I let everyone I know down by having this imperfect child, I didn't mean to.

It's okay, I can handle walking that road, and I do it with pride. But it's such a stark contrast between "ooh, everything she says carries the weight of gold" to can't even look at her anymore straight in the eyes. It's lonely, but expected.

Oh yeah, Jen...where was I? I sensed that I was going to destroy her to the core with my news. Not that she keeps me on the same pedestal as the others, but she loves children and God and me as much as I do. We were injured together.

I told her to sit down, and to brace herself, although I didn't want to. Some angel must have whispered, "be gentle, this Catholic's breakable". My friend, my friend, was all she kept sighing as it registered. Finally I gathered enough sense to be a respectable host, and grabbed some Kleenex. Actually, it was Target brand. Or wait...was it?

I can't remember.

At the cabin...

This weekend I viewed The Girlfriend Experience, totally expecting something different. Won't say what, or how that's useful in relationship...because well, you know, I'm modest. And thrifty, which is why we rented it.

Ex-porn stars though, totally have the deepest character. You'd never suspect that, imagining them selling their soul non-stop and all. But I suppose, with all that action comes understanding, of yourself, men, and society in the end.

I'm not so open-minded a thinker as to yet embrace that it's good for our culture to parade the many lifestyle possiblilities before our growing-more-untraditional-by-the-day masses. But having leapt over the fence by force (my only saving grace)...I'd have to agree with the overly-cultured elitists who find enjoyment even in horror films,

(can't even watch them)...

you do learn some things interesting. Probably much like the overly-confident expectation made by Fox News enthusiasts, that averagely smart people can sort through the difference. Which I'd prove untrue in an instant, had I more time. Maybe at home on my laptop.

Conclusion without even having written yet, overly-cultured elitists are smarter than average. Or at least, overly-privileged to experience more, by some random psychological experiment supplied by the government, that causes all that rape to happen.

May be the wrong company

But totally the right vision. Building ladders to the top, where everybody can arrive there. God knows we've been infused with what's "important" to America, and once creation is everybody's liberty, then...

oh, fill in the blank. No more God! Do you get it? I totally do.

A buncha co-dependents if you ask me and my best friend

Who currently exists only in my imagination, and in my panic attacks. I never have to go through those alone, which is exciting. At the mall though, I was too busy feeling slightly sympathetic for all the Ashtons and ex-boyfriends of Jennifer Aniston.

To be unable to walk out loud in public, because everyone seems to need to know you, without actually doing the work. Inner work, that results in respectful relating, how it works in MY biz. Which also exists only in my mind, where I always play mother.

Yes, I encourage the youths of today to be their best selves, to marry rich and correctly (stumbled across that idea somehow)...and frankly, to lead the world. A bunch of lazy-asses fill the earth, in case none of you have noticed. Yet, add a little beat and measure, and suddenly,...

a God damn miracle, a coalition of devoted. Can't trust religion for everything, sometimes you must master just culture. And in conclusion, since I totally forgot what I was saying (too busy fantasizing about the grown up John Mayer).

Oh yeah, a bunch of co-dependents who can't even walk around in public. Sounds less like a wonderful life, than a job that sucks in the rejects. I've known a few.

Meghan McCain for Republican power player

It's all I can think of. Besides what bitches those non-movie-reviewing Momversation elitists still are, and racist. Uma wouldn't want her gadget associated with them anyway, I just know these things as true. Always tend to be, and you?

What do you currently know to be true? That it's entirely newsworthy to describe insurance companies as cartels, to banish Fox news, and also...what was that one thing I was going to enlist the girls to solve on our Target fashion cruise?

Hmm, let me think. Out loud of course, much louder than Dooce. Who does read by the way, and still loves Disney and fine paper, I'm sure. Let's see...no, it was not Dana's inane idea about prostituting herself in Africa. Nor Asha, um who?

Twasn't anything Lisa Belkin said lately at the Motherlode. Ever since her whole "I left my child in the backseat of my car on a hot day to die" expose, I've been avoiding her. Still haunting me though. Not the Steven Weber, who's still annoying everyone at HuffPo.

At least I THINK he is, lemme check...oh dear God. And no. Simpson's fanatic who's gay? Gabe, my original inspiration and who I'll forever be indebted to? Gone missing. Goddamnit blogspot and everything un-related to Momversation forever!

Of everything I'm missing, in the whole of my life, it's free access to blogspot colors, anytime I wish. That palette of all those shades of orange and blue, limited, but freedom has no price.

Someday it will be TRUE.

Poor Kanye

He lost his mother, and held Beyonce up on a pedestal, can you believe the man? Seeing grace and power in a beautiful, talented woman, and wanting the whole world to know that. Oops! For shame, for shame, dumb Kanye West. Betrayal feels good, don't it? By your very own generation, no less.

It's half your fault though, those stupid songs you and your homies write about "running the town" as if you could when you're black. You actually can't. I mean, perhaps Ne Ne could do it with the help of that white Housewife chick who actually builds actual bridges between blind white people and blacks. THEN, it might be possible.

But of course, you'd have to ask Cameron. You see Kanye, you're not going to get anywhere in life with one chance. And it seems David Letterman took it from ya, I told ya we're fast.

I guess I don't really want to talk about it

But thanks for asking. I want to continue meditating on uncertainties I can't believe in, it's just how I am. A miracle? Maybe, maybe somehow. But when your thought process is more drawn to the deal-with-it if, and the hopefully during and after, then hmm.

Just leaves you sunk somewhere in the middle, wondering. A rare case, the rarest. Are we blessed? Is it a chance and an opportunity as I keep telling myself, to learn more about populations similar to diabetics, that I never have good enough excuse to participate in?

Let's begin here, but don't guess it.

"Are you preparing me for bad news?" the innocent asks.

"I'm sorry. It's very severe." That's all he said.

All the things I'll never forget about that exchange, me and my overly observant dumb memory.

Blah, blah, blah, and then some more.

"So, what have you just heard me say?" Kind man asks.

"Um, it's very serious. I'm going to cry all the way home. And then wonder what I did wrong." All me.

Puts hand on girl's knee. "You did nothing wrong, I swear."

I knew that. But that's how shock is worn before the awe returns.

Best-laid plans

I guess everything gets broken for a reason. Maybe to better appreciate the shards? To make the edges less threatening, to allow for perspective? Who knows. Today though, after two typically slow days of snail's pace digestion (it felt more like three), I'm beginning anew. I have to.

I rarely forgive myself when I go astray from pure thinking. It dawned on me finally that God sets the path, that fear is the enemy, and peace intends to last. I've overcome so many self-limitations these past months, you'd think I cared only about growing, which I do.

Who I can be, what life would be like in a land of 100% acceptance, how that soft place to fall would feel if it actually existed. Maybe it only comes in pieces, but the whole's out there somewhere, or maybe just inside. But if it becomes easier to recognize through faith and devotion, then it's worth it.

It's meant to be ours. Could the universe be less complicated, I wouldn't want it to be. Appreciating everything that's in front of me with full ingratiation is the goal, then all else becomes blessing. That's the magic I keep trying to find in this back-to-school transition.

Once the settling occurs, when the flow restores itself into "allowing all" power. Then we get to choose, or examine life's options more carefully, and decide on our prayers. The best part, I'm telling you, it's yet to come. Ward off the dragons if they dare to show up, but ultimately, make them your friends.

It's a sweet day

If you care about things like that like I do. Slightly cool, overcast like fall is, well most days. It's honestly the best season of all the possible options, and then it will be winter, I covet them all. Fall though, means change. I guess in some sense all the seasons do.

Crunchy leaves, those pumpkin pies I'll never bake but can imagine. I'll roast the seeds though. Last year's tradition will certainly carry through. And the costumes, best part obviously. Many, many pictures are birthed in the fall. All memories to keep, and hold.

Never have much time to permanently store them, like all scrapbook style and girly, I don't live in that kind of world. Mine suits me anyway, perfect in all its ranges of color. I love today, I'll love tomorrow, and I'll love forever.

I just do. And always will.

New Beginnings

This one's going to take some planning, wherein I'm a newbie. Fly by the seat of my pants worked for homeschool,...integrating into the system, finding specific boundaries, and then defining for myself the new structure. I've learned that's elementary.

It's really the truth that we have all the cream of the crop teachers, that the principal respects us, and that we rarely miss a day of lunch. And that's me/us personally. Two weeks in, well two-and-a-half if you're counting...not bad priorities. Homeschool values still intact.

Can't please all the dissenters at every turn of the seasons. Can only listen, and maybe allow. And so crimefighters, align with that.

Welcome flux

Almost called this puppy dog "Who Invited Flux?" Thought it up on the way to the library (alongside the thunderstorm), and thought further...I'm going to keep it, it's perfect. Usually, I can't stand typing or writing anything that doesn't come right from the top of my head, rarely feels right.

Once I sat down however, and dug in to my intention, something rattled inside me and said, "nope, better change it". And so I did. Perfectly described my weekend, and now my week I guess, where flux is totally welcome to be annoying. Welcome flux, I love you and I trust you all the same.

Faults and flaws

I'm overly sensitive and I hold regular grudges, apparently. Not that anyone has currently noticed, must be a secret side of myself I'm just discovering. Yup, everything sets me off into "hey wait, since you...then I". Last week it was poor usage of exclamation points in very serious circumstances (screwed with my entire grasp of punctuation altogether).

Now, it's the silence. Long days without children hanging on your every gift, move and glimmer, takes time to get used to. Almost as if silence thought it was funny, or interesting to be silent, when really, I'll be grudging about silence all weekend. And, being Labor Day, it will be a long suffering weekend of "fine, it's creative...but I expect better" and nausea.

Being pregnant like I am, I'm uncomfortable daily. Having always prided myself on being symptom free, it's like attack of the "how much can you take" bug. Hope it's not swine flu, who needs the fear of dying? Anyhoo. Picture me two months from now, a bump larger than a basketball and what's this...slush, snow and cold...hmm, I must be Superwoman.

I sometimes just wish life would be easier on me, you know.

It was powerful

The meaning of potent, see, I promised. Going to keep this short though, not for lack of time, but last session's rambling, kind of embarrassing. All that re-reading of blah blah, so boring. Usually I like to meditate later on the phrases that flash through my mind, not true this time.

All inconsequential, and lately, I need only the important. And want it. That's new for me, to allow the wants with the needs, an evolution of sorts. Much to do, much to be, less time to spare, that's now become me.

Winged thoughts

Focus children, this is not about airplanes despite the confusing title. It's about thoughts just flung out there, explored, some worse than others. Don't bite an airplane, or an insult, both are made of metal. Huh? Me either.

Paedomorphosis is supposedly the best brand of evolution out there, like total regression into the juvenile, before deciding, or just landing (hey, airplanes do this!) in a superior mode of adulthood. Look around enemies for life, very few are willing to own the whole picture.

Take school for example (it's the only one I have), besides the teachers there's the parents, oh c'mon, you didn't know that. Stating the obvious, it's my speciality, doesn't mean metal's now an essential part of my diet. Logic 101, where beginners dare tread.

Yes, we're talking automobiles now, you knew I was that fast. Vroom, vroom !!! Anyway, gonna slow down here, but just winging it, so I've no idea what I'm gonna write here. Not even sure I'll delight you, oh enemy of the past. Way long ago, and further, before then.

Ah yes, that's the ticket (who used to say that?) Probably one of the uglies, very few coinwords come from those who are attractive. What, I'm the only one to notice? So anyway, winging it, usually worth it.

Not this time, this time, going nowhere, and fast.

Calendar addiction

A, B, C's and seven day weeks, my bad. This is the "last week of summer vacation", whatever that's becoming in this "of course I'm sure" land. I could invent a thousand new lands a week, seems to capture it all properly, the perfect canvas for my hallucinations, oh wait, still hanging on to "imagination" until then.

Nobody wants to land squarely in hallucination land and look back with regret. Scariest ride there is, don't get on it even if broccoli-eating leprechauns insist it's like medicine. Dirty devils, you have no rotten idea. Left last week's postings filled up to the brim with "couldn't get any better than thees", and I meant it.

Got kidnapped by evening, totally destroyed every shred of certain happiness. Literally stepped into a self-made trap, got gobbled up by a troll, and then spit back out with the only idea being surrender. Worked though, it must've. Because I'm still alive, have gathered back most of my pieces, but holy shit, don't want to EVER go through that lack o'serenity again. Never, ever.

Oh my God did that suck, and no, I'm no wiser. But I survived it, walked through it like a champion (pronounce that in French), and I'm back. Again.

A strong, steady heartbeat

Makes everything better when you can actually hear it, Wednesday didn't end up being so bad. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe that final reckoning for all I didn't cherish, all I never dared to take for granted any of those last times. Fear's not the worst sin in the world, it's the only way that finding your way becomes possible, makes you thankful for the deliverance and evermoreso devoted to grace.

This baby for example, it's about 13 weeks along, just guessing. It's extra special in my eyes, because this child was definitely created for an undeniable reason. Not that I know what it is. But, I do know that this baby is a witness to something extraordinary, maybe showed up just in time to see for its own self what it feels like to grow inside of a mother who's overflowing with so much delectable love on her insides.

Could be, maybe it's something else, but I like entertaining myself by thinking of it this way. I'd never hold back all the love I have, especially with a precious being eager to know what the world has in store for its future. Quite the dose I've given it so far, every range of emotion I'd never encountered or even considered. Life changes and hormones will do that to you, as will uncertainty about all things and the excavating I always seem to be prone to.

Good day overall, except for the lack of flow in my writing. I hate not being at the mercy of my muse whenever I feel it, that's the worst part. But it's strengthening me in other ways, ways that support the next stage of my journey...it may translate into better writing, if that's something I decide to even care about. Mostly now it's just the school year, my faithful walk into new territories, and digesting all I've chosen for my life so far.

In America...

we can swear, but not in our public schools. Can a soul on earth actually believe that I marched on down to our local "all we teach is true" and enrolled four out of five of my brood? And to think, the rest of the universe is consumed with world peace still. Boring !!!

I'm choosing to surrender, just as Sri Aurobindo would recommend too. For those not in the know, we must sink to the depths of humanity first, yes refugees, I'm referring to you. Having sunk, we can know all the suffering there is. God's gift, remember? All that's still true.

Greedy folks out there, I sense 'em throughout my long, sacrificial days. Nothing's ever good enough it seems, always asking for more, finding reason to complain. Whatever would my world be like if people were just grateful for fate, probably would see that as lame.

Just being grateful for the echoes all day. As I adapt to this new life I'm leading (ah yes, me and my love for the new)...the challenge is already reaping tons and tons of fruit. Except for those annoying interruptions that tell me my path's not good enough, makes me blue.

Reed Dignity

So close to being Ninja Dignity, you don't even know. Reeds, and their flexible natures simplified the important life change I'm about to present...ninjas wouldn't have to use boring concepts like life change, they own the flow. Reeds, not intimidated though.

If a ninja ran out of moves and came upon the waters parted by Jesus Himself, would the ninja say "fill that back up bitch, I've got something to prove, just give me a sec while I remind myself what it is."

...or, would the ninja have a flashback to the time his mother lovingly tossed him into a trash receptacle so he could fulfill his "I'm better than carelessly non-recycled scraps of conspiracy-cover-up newspaper" destiny?

Well, let's be frank here. The ninja would rest first, and wonder what he ate for breakfast...the only possible reason ninja's strength would be lacking. Then, the ninja obviously would choose a casual stride as he moseyed between the waters, and then he'd trip.

Ninja would NOT want to repeat history or confuse society with yet another common miracle story that has been writ. Incredible at improvising, ninja would be the first non-Jesus impersonator (trust me, they exist) to invoke laughter in the loins of all the nearby reeds.

Jesus would be amazed. Parting waters and being amazed are something Jesus is capable of, well wait. Oh no, that's right. He's a man and so he CAN be amazed, it's God who's above all that. Then, after being convinced by the reeds, Jesus gives ninja ONE MORE MOVE...

Thank God for the institution of marriage

Too soon to bask in those fine borders of what is, and shouldn't be, possible when there's a classic white gold band on your finger, surpassed only by the diamond you inherited from Estonian royalty? Well, one-third of the original, but I got the clearest cut. Thank you God!

Were the news not afluster lately with affairs of the heart and loins by our very own politicians, I'd have nothing to say on the matter. What would a girl with an uncheatin heart know about infidelity anyway, besides the fact that it's easy to judge, more difficult to understand the reasoning.

Take the one with the soulmate, the only one that stands out to me among the batch of unprofessionals...you'd think in the moment he confessed it, he'd high-tail his ass right into the arms of his Argentinian newscaster. Turns out it wasn't about the character of his children afterall, he's nothing without his career. An empty vessel.

Filled with doubt that any Argentinian whose reputation he conveniently trashed in the process, would enjoy celebrating life beside a once-he-was, or almost-made-it-to-his-pinnacle-were-it-not-for-love. He chose what any man would choose with one-hundred years allowed on the planet, only forty of those viable.

Ultimately, he didn't leave his wife or destroy the character of his children for his soulmate. Funny man. Maybe, for all I know, they do all their communicating in ESP land, were that possible, which it's not, leaving me wondering...what could the other half of her soul even be thinking? Turns out love isn't the only reason for breathing.

Who really cares in the end, right? Not me, I'm heading to my cabin. Where I will bask in the sun between Cross Sums and Frescas, and at some point be surrounded by too many drunk out of their minds twenty-somethings, celebrating a family friend's bachelor party. We grown ups will be sober.

Last thing though, speaking of family friends...he's getting married this August and there's absolutely no better purpose for a girl like me on earth, than to be a good, reliable role model of healthy marriage to these young ones. Couldn't do it without my husband. May the institution of marriage always be blessed.

Like a reed

Only, more important. It's much more important to be unafraid to dine with the lower ranks and classes, pictures coming later, all thanks to my loving neighbors. Toothless I might add. Wouldn't want to be one of those others, counting the days, making points from the rafters, better than all of thou, but thank you.

The thank you's always added later, false humility to make up for the lack of lack. It's the lack of lack that always gives it all away, nothing to lose left, with lack of lack. Like a reed I said, has everything it needs, plus benefits. Oh the benefits reeds throw, just to give it all away again, I said.

Ever hear of a reed like that? Or, too busy chasing all the latest fashions, unsure of your worth and so dress it all up then. Just in case, the rare soul can't see through it, or just acts like it can't. Reeds always can. They're just bendy like that. And fast.

Onward and upward

Every choice I've made today goes against the grain of my being, and it's a good thing. The discipline I'm needing, at least I can recognize now all the forces within that cause me to want to go astray in my thinking, I won't. It doesn't take much more than math and history to show me all my weaknesses, my tendencies to cave into old ways of feeling.

Nothing personal here, just more homeschool-related excavating. It's a difficult road where in one breath you're claiming to know an ideal way to train your children, and you do, are sure of it, but then there's still every other breath of unclear decision. Those times you do feel like a fraud, it's not that you've taken on too much, it's not that part of you doesn't think you can handle it.

You know that you can handle it, your experience shows that thinking outside of the box is half the solution. It's crazy the things that pop up and stand in your way that are totally unrelated to the education itself, take envy for example, take fear, silly emotions that make a homeschool teacher stumble. It's not the work itself, it's the obstacles within.

So stupid. Not that I'd waste a whole day feeling envy for the lives of non-homeschooling people, or for teachers who have just one grade to master, but it's in there. I only get glances though of the obstacles I need more discipline to cover. I used to just lean on pride, but today I realized I have to go deeper. Otherwise I am a fraud.

I'm not afraid to say it, along with my hopes to overcome it. I don't want these weaknesses anymore, these doubtful tendencies, stupid beliefs in impossibility. Not even for a moment, I don't want them in my character, I'm forcing my way forward with the discipline I've seen in others. It's hard, but I'm not holding myself back a single moment more.

Different than your average girl

I realized last night at SummerThing, where we took the kids to the yearly carnival that our small town invests in, I'm different than the average girl. I'm not entirely pleased with how I come across to my peers, probably overly-confident and sure of my views, and that gets more obnoxious every year. I can't help it.

I look around at the women who are in the same boat that I am, and imagine their interests extending mostly to fashion, their children, personal dramas, etcetera. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm too good or above all that. But I can't look at the world around me in the same way that I assume they have. And I admit it's assuming, I'm probably faulty in assuming that.

I look at the men walking beside their wives, I hope it doesn't offend anyone that I'm saying that. And I imagine that some, if not all of these guys, are simultaneously defending our freedoms, or have actually been to war, and seen the worst of the worst sides of man. I wonder if they might be acting happy for the most part, but have actually stood by watching helplessly as some child or infant is terrorized and screaming in some neighboring foreign land.

Perhaps none of them have, maybe it's purely projection, but I sympathize with THEIR cause above and beyond anything an average woman looks at. I feel like freedom is so fragile, and walking through history I recognize its aliveness. It's just a step away that we all depended on stealing and intimidating and destroying each other, just to get the very basics of our needs met.

The educated were the ones who took the helm. The self-proclaimed leaders, because nobody else had faith or courage to decide it, they were the ones that brought civilization into our laps. Much blood was shed, horrific sacrifices were made just to get us where we are today. I'm like ten years beyond still blaming the rest of the world for not getting it, for not understanding that it's entirely up to us to keep our standards for our own selves high enough to accomplish that.

In the blink of an eye we could spiral backwards into the dark ages. Even precious America, only two hundred years old could be lost. Nobody seems to get that in their insistence that we just follow our whims, and take every other principle and standard of behavior for granted. We are who we are because we've held onto the virtues of the past. We stay who we are because we firmly insist that we pay close attention to how we decide to act. It can all be lost in the blink of an eye, it can.

Sorta halfway there, almost

But, not really. Wouldn't that be funny if I was? Can't even imagine it, so that's pure speculation, with not a shred of reality to back it up. And you know how I hate assuming. It's fun for the short-term, imagination filling in all those gaps. But dang logic, and its principles, no, don't think it would turn out being funny in the end.

A thousand miles away from funny, mostly just crazy, with a dash of that's impossible. Now THAT'S what I'm halfway to, where I'm not done heading. Not exactly my plan about two hours ago, that plan was summed up in a sentence bearing the word nice. But, it was fleeting, flew right out of the window, I guess.

Not sure where it went anyway, or why it even attempted. It was a nice thought, a pure idea, but no. Don't think that's what halfway's gonna end up meaning in the end.

Drink up

Spirit gets mad though, don't ever get that wrong. Why else are we taught to fear God...because some arrogant pricks believe they're just entitled to all of God's goodness, none of the sacrifice, all of that's wrong. Arrogant pricks can sit with that for the rest of their empty lives for all I care.

Enjoy that? There's more. Ooh, I've always hated the arrogant, and not because I'm so humble, but because I'm wise. There's nothing more insulting to a wise ex-arrogant who can barely remember that time in her life anyway, it was so long ago there's no need to admit it...

than all of God's gifts that were wasted, that could have landed in the lap of still-arrogant-all-these-years-later. What a waste!

And, that's all I'm going to say on that pathetic, unenviable act.

The perfect sun

There will be no more perfect sun than the one that shined upon us today. So tomorrow, a less-than-perfect sun will be had. It's just how it works in a universe designed by me, according to MY divine plan.



Who do I think I am, one might ask, deciding for everybody which sun is perfect. Besides, it's the exact same sun each and every single day, isn't it? To tell you the truth, I'm so glad you asked.



There are 365 days of new sun every year, just as sure as Mars is right behind Earth. It just is what it is, with my will there's a way. Any more questions? Didn't think so, okay.

Wait a second...

that wasn't TIME, it was one of Jay's trash magazines. We were picking the kids up from his babysitting, and as usual, I flipped through that nonsense. Funny how I care zero suddenly for any of the celebrities in there, suddenly I'm like, scanning only for Will Ferrell, and hoping not to find him kissing on his wife. If he has one. I'm just modest like that, has nothing to do with being jealous. Will can do whatever's good for his career, so long as he keeps singing. And that applies to everyone.

My favorite movie that Will was in was that drama where he was living the life written by an author. Can't remember the name, knowing Will was in it is enough. His singing made me cry right there in the movie theater, he has the most beautiful soul ever, and convinced me that buying a guitar and learning to play was a good idea. It's not, but at the time I believed it with all my heart.

I really hate it when the best talent in all of Hollywood doesn't get placed in dramas where he belongs, and instead is forced to keep doing comedy. Oh well, I can't remember why I even brought this up, oh yeah, wait a second.

It was a funny moment I had when I read that article on Rachel Dratch. I almost clipped Amy Poehler's photo out because she looked so beautiful, but then I thought, what, am I in high school. It didn't take more than a minute to realize having a collage of Tina Fey pictures tucked under my bed would be stalker-ish, and totally taint how I see myself, let alone my hopes for great talent. What is with me mixing up all these names today?

Well, I'm not going to change it. Blame it on the weather yet again. I always do.

It's a comfort

It's a comfort to admit to myself that a life of no regret is more important than all those missed moments that could have been enjoyed to the fullest. Isn't that the lesson that's imposed...be grateful for the scraps that are left? Yes, I thought so.

Well, I've never been that kind of girl, one with a need for sloppy anything, so enjoy that. Glad you thought I was up for the assignment, at least I'm not crazy or delusional, because I spent much of today sure of that. Sane, and someone's one and only.

You could never, ever top that.

Robin's Egg Blue is the voice

Next will come indigo, and I'm not sure I even planned ahead for purple. Some things are better left to God, I guess. Living in the moment is probably just easier, but then, then things fall into place and you don't have a second plan. Wouldn't recommend just living in the moment to anyone then.

Though faith is a bridge to the future you can count on, I should've said that. Too busy trying to make sure I have all my colors though, and then off to the park I shall go. But before that, be careful what you wish for, you might regret it when you get it. Just glad I'm not that kind of an idiot, okay then.

A Summer at the Cabin

I'm surprised I didn't think of this like three years ago, I'm totally going to spend the whole summer at the cabin...why not? There's nothing keeping me here in town, except the demand I keep setting up playdates, sure Colton will be crushed to be losing out on camp, but I think I can make it up to him.

We can still do the library programs, I guess. Yes, it will be a magnificent summer spent at the cabin, will have to get internet access set up, and cable. There's nothing better for my spirit than to cut these last ties, and do what I want with my summer.

The science museum will keep us busy, plus being at the beach and staring at the tremendous lake will wake up my eyes. And, surrounded by Native American Indians, I'll feel tribal and safe. I can't believe I only just thought of this, been keeping it from myself as some sort of surprise.

The grocery stores in Bemidji are amazing, and Minnesotans are wa-a-a-y cooler than losers here. The lake, the lake is what I'm now going to imagine is possible. I've been waiting for the courage to pull this lifestyle off, and a summer at the cabin will be it.

And oh yes, the pictures.

A Twinkle

Can't get a certain look out of my eye, well, it's in my mind's eye, a memory. There's a certain sound too, in the voice of "it's fantastic", everytime I recall that sound I'm like, ooh, and oh no. Whenever sounds and sights get stuck in my mind's eye and ear, I know I'm done for. At least I'm assuming, because it's never really happened to me like this before.

The look though, it's different from just plain genuine, it's not even really a twinkle, it's like, just happy. But probably not just any kind of happy because otherwise I wouldn't have noticed. I guess I can't pinpoint exactly what kind of happy it is...and should I?

I probably should, but I'm not sure how though. Of course I'll try, I always will, because I don't want to repeat any past experiences that make me seem like I won't try, because I always always will. The happy was like, like a sure kind of happy I guess. I don't know, that's not even right.

It was glee-like but that's been used in so many contexts it wouldn't count. Maybe a glimpse of the future happy, or just an I found myself happy, or, I still don't know. But at least I'm trying. I know what it was, yes, this must be it, it could be nothing else in the world.

It's an I like Cat Stevens happy, that's all it was. Well, I'm glad I finally figured that out myself.

Lessons with Authority

Maybe it's not common knowledge afterall, I guess I expect too much from adults. I should know better, really I should, most are publicly educated, and then commit their own children without giving the thought a swirl. Give me a good two hours with anyone, daring to open their minds, and I'll explain every P, Q, and W about what's wrong with the system, why it's wrong all the time.

Consequently producing adult after adult who is wrong all the time. I sit here all the time feeling grateful, I'm spared. But I never consider it my responsibility to enlighten all others, and so I forget to correctly interpret all those antagonizing stares. A buncha idiots, and I always shoulda known better.

Homeschoolers don't just hate TESTS, they fight they government constantly and relentlessly to lay off. Go measure your own incompetence please, you're distracting me from the very much more important job of living, educating my children, and yes, living for God.

I should've made the connection earlier, all these tests. And should have treated them accordingly, "We're homeschoolers, we don't NEED tests." Fine, we'll take them if we have to, and were average and above, at taking tests.

But the content must be taught in person. No other service or technology can do it justice. Among friends.

Pastels are nice, don't ya think?

Well, I'm not really sure. If only, if only...if only blogspot had all the right colors, in a nifty travel size pack, such a bummer. Oh the legacy of the chase for good colors. How annoying, yet extremely satisfying at the same time. For a hamster.

I don't like these colors, no I don't, I'm difficult. Too much trouble for my own self as a matter of real fact. But oh well, it's always been blogspot, it will never be WordPress. And so back to my palette I go. No more crying.

Lucky 13

I love black, so what. I chose lavender instead, at the last minute, and I'm glad. Parades and Such wanted to host it, and so Grownupartists (always in black) will come later. It always comes later and that makes my friends glad.

Being reliable isn't something I learned from Earl, but it's something I noticed. My own reliability quotient depends on my mood, which oftentimes is a quickfix away, and othertimes not. It's never bothered me much, these inconsistent times, because that's when I depend most on faith. It's empowering.

No dictator or schoolmaster, or Godforbid Super-ly well-intended checking-up-on-you-er, is going to make me feel guilty for just trusting God. Nor will I be one of those types of Christians who feels my entrance or non-entrance into heaven depends on anyone else's salvation, it doesn't. Probably why the Evangelicals always get under my skin so bad.

Protestants and Catholics are probably what I should be discussing, but I can't because I'm mad. And yes, it has everything to do with gift horses and Trojans. You see, some people pretend to know history, and then base false assumptions on that.

While others have abandoned Birkenstocks altogether, in favor of realizing that cappuccino, yes that one right there, only exists because men fought in wars. Very bloody, many decapitating years later, we enjoy freedom, which is NEVER for FOREVER.

Only God is eternal, that should provide some comfort, and lasts forever if by chance eternal means something close but not quite forever. Why invest in forever anyway, when you have right now.

Well, right now is good in theory, doesn't seal the deal though. And while my children are self-directed, playing imaginative games and building towers as I type and look on. I'm no spectator to my own life (in Latin spect- means to watch). I'm a participant.

And when I take an overall gestalt-like view of my life, I want to be sure I'm participating in all the aspects of my life full-heartedly. I get the most satisfaction that way, less distracting, which allows me to invest all the rest in faith.

Faith is nifty and reliable like that. Can move mountains while others play with molehills. I've seen mountains moved, captives rescued, evil found. In the meantime, I keep truckin 'til in faith is where we land. I'm sorta evangelical like that, yet less hopeful.

Maintaining balance is where it's at

Always has been. Thank Caroline Myss for giving me the map, I supply my own motivation. One's balance must always be in balance, or nothing else is. Probably applies to economics too, for all we knew. Students in her class, well just one was all I could afford. So out of my thinking to take her invitation seriously, and actually fly to New York.

It was an interesting experience, I'd love to tell you in person, the hotel surprised me. The grand hotel across from the train station surprised me. Even the train itself was easy to manage, loved that nice station. The crowds didn't scare me a bit, been there before, a few times. I've stayed there a bit.

Would love a tour though, a really great tour.

Most Simplistic Math

No, my children aren't coins, what could you be thinking. Nor clockhands. Were you a homeschooler, these aspects of teaching numbers would be important to you, most people aren't and so they don't understand.

I have so many stories about when I first became a mother, it makes me proud of myself. You see I fell into it, so abruptly and unvoluntarily, the fact that my lemonade turned out so perfectly, well it's something I take pride in. And my love of it never ends, it turns out.

I knew there was only one important thing in life that I could do well, no matter the other things I was good at. To raise children with intention, to get completely over my self, not only was it fairly easy, but someday they'll be really cool adults.

Most of my friends, or I guess you could say influences, were like "daycare, and real jobs, not welfare", oh my. I only had to depend on the system for a very short bit, tossed that awesome experience in my ol' bag of insights. Could happen to anyone, you know? That's it.

It's not always about slackers, or bad educations. But it always seems to be about getting over ourselves. For me that's more easy. When the toss up is between being totally tuned in, and on time...or in step with all your fellow sheep, and plain wanderers.

Kids are where it's at, kids are always where it will be. As far as priorities at least, they create the best me.

Cork-collecting

How Freudian. Almost as bad as "she wasn't REALLY a homeschooling mother to five happy-healthy children". No, she gave up on THAT depressing job after her kids kept kicking her in the shins (what, TJ Maxx out of shin guards?)...and worked her lifelong why-couldn't-she-be-Paula jig...then I could respect her. Redheads always have the most glee.

Glee, I'm glad you're friends with me. Pah, who needs your feminist ass anyway, I've got a family. Yes, middle child between two boys, daughter of a father who loves me. You can have all the rest, and enjoy it, never got over her I-fear-my-own-mother-complex anyway. And the bridges in your REAL family you burned all along the way.

Deeply hurt your father, I might add, which is out of MY character, chameleon-in-training. Gosh, I love being rejected and bullied as medicine, provides my best insights, oh yes it does. Not that I always knew, not that I didn't have to develop patience.

But, when you're raped by your boyfriend like a thousand times, you learn to be quiet. Yes, Sarah K. Silverman makes jokes about it, so why can't I?

Why can't it be Lent again

I miss Easter. Yes, I'm overly-religious at the moment, depending on Jesus, what the hell do I know. I just live it. I wish it could be Lent again, where I give up everything I love and I own, I'd start with just toothpaste, of course. That should make it up, yes all of human's sins.

Why can't it just be Easter again, I missed it the last time, too caught up in the waterpark...remember the satin? And Christmas, don't forget, had let me down. What kind of a Christian family has no tree in 2008? Not I.

I planned w-a-a-a-y ahead the year before, remember? Totally wrapped all my ornaments carefully in the most spectacular Target-bought boxes. Planning ahead, I said to myself, for the time BEFORE Christmas, the joy in our eyes.

But all that work, and all that planning, even the cabin-fun setting. But no tree. Sure, we had plenty of Crate & Barrel boxes, which was unusual, even for my taste. But no tree. In 2008 we had no tree.

Random musings

I deserve to be random sometimes, would you not agree? In fact, sometimes I like to just take the alphabet and mess it all up...zip, zip, zip. Like a deck of cards with no one's actual name on it. Just shapes. You know how it is.

For example, for some of you more nosily inclined...I just got back from Target, and no it was not interesting. Gay in fact, and spinster lonely. Sometimes it's fun when Target is all spinster lonely, because it reminds me to invest my whole heart into everything I do, and not just evil antennae. Like how the plural of antenna is "ae"? So do I.

Applesauce and pickles

Just like my great-great grandmother used to make, before she died of old age. You know homemade pickles, they didn't just use dill, it was something else that added like a twang or something. Lemme look on my Old-fashioned Dave's Pickles jar and see what HE added. Hmmm.

Oh yes, sweet vinegar. Yum, yum!! Anyway, ooh, they're spicy too, must've used red pepper. That's cause it's called FAMOUS DAVE'S Signature Spicy Pickle Chips. And they were, so thank you.

Now, I'll have a sip of Fat Tire beer, because my five year old AGAIN wants to use a bottle opener. He does these things out of the blue sometimes, and as a homeschooling mother it's my job to encourage him,

"Yes honey, you can use the can opener to open a Fat Tire beer for me." Only, it's the afternoon, should I feel guilty? Like super guilty for drinking during the afternoon? Well, I did just have a sip of Coca Cola from McDonald's, nearly ran plum into a trench coat after eyeballing two other mysterious dudes. Hmm.

Yes, I think a Fat Tire beer is just what a lonely girl after a hard day of Castle Parking needs afterall. Yum, yum!!

Peace at last

This was going to be entitled "Life is one big cat fight", but then I figured, "who do I have to impress", I'm not linking this one to anything. And frankly, I'll be reclaiming both my 'g's' and my apostrophes, there I feel much better now.

Life really is one big cat fight though, except none of us quite stop to think about what we're fighting towards. Notice how I used towards instead of the many other possibilities...for, with, or not fighting. Amusing to no one but me.

I like this blog the best, sorry if I lied and told you any of the other ones were my favorites. Because I lied, and that's what I'm good at, it's all I know. Lying was bred into me as an infant, into us all. We had to tell each other SOMETHING to explain why we must eat flesh to survive, and so the lying business began and never ended.

Singers lie too. All the time, and more than most which is even worse. Because your heart's involved then, so when you sing and lie, you really go to hell.

Why the hell not, this spot's lonely

God put me on this earth for a reason. I didn't always know this, but I never doubted it. Sometimes I have to remind myself that His purpose is greater than mine, since I don't read the Bible and can't just think of the verses on my own. Must I remind.

Yes, lately I've been dreaming big things. Like that it's possible to be a good role model and to believe in the future. And that doesn't scare me like it used to, back when I felt powerless...guess I've received SOME validation along the way and it makes me feel better. Less alone in my striving.

I didn't think at this young age (no, I'm not like the "new 20's" or anything gay and in denial like that), I'm 35. I didn't suspect that I could look back on my life with clarity, until I actually died. But I can see now, how everything happens for a reason, even the especially good stuff, even the stuff you didn't know was bad.

It strengthens you when you finally see it, in fact it's a relief. Because you can keep moving forward then, energy intact, restored where you lost it. Knowing that all God wants for any of us is to follow His plan. To follow His path.