Every choice I've made today goes against the grain of my being, and it's a good thing. The discipline I'm needing, at least I can recognize now all the forces within that cause me to want to go astray in my thinking, I won't. It doesn't take much more than math and history to show me all my weaknesses, my tendencies to cave into old ways of feeling.
Nothing personal here, just more homeschool-related excavating. It's a difficult road where in one breath you're claiming to know an ideal way to train your children, and you do, are sure of it, but then there's still every other breath of unclear decision. Those times you do feel like a fraud, it's not that you've taken on too much, it's not that part of you doesn't think you can handle it.
You know that you can handle it, your experience shows that thinking outside of the box is half the solution. It's crazy the things that pop up and stand in your way that are totally unrelated to the education itself, take envy for example, take fear, silly emotions that make a homeschool teacher stumble. It's not the work itself, it's the obstacles within.
So stupid. Not that I'd waste a whole day feeling envy for the lives of non-homeschooling people, or for teachers who have just one grade to master, but it's in there. I only get glances though of the obstacles I need more discipline to cover. I used to just lean on pride, but today I realized I have to go deeper. Otherwise I am a fraud.
I'm not afraid to say it, along with my hopes to overcome it. I don't want these weaknesses anymore, these doubtful tendencies, stupid beliefs in impossibility. Not even for a moment, I don't want them in my character, I'm forcing my way forward with the discipline I've seen in others. It's hard, but I'm not holding myself back a single moment more.
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