Onward and upward

Every choice I've made today goes against the grain of my being, and it's a good thing. The discipline I'm needing, at least I can recognize now all the forces within that cause me to want to go astray in my thinking, I won't. It doesn't take much more than math and history to show me all my weaknesses, my tendencies to cave into old ways of feeling.

Nothing personal here, just more homeschool-related excavating. It's a difficult road where in one breath you're claiming to know an ideal way to train your children, and you do, are sure of it, but then there's still every other breath of unclear decision. Those times you do feel like a fraud, it's not that you've taken on too much, it's not that part of you doesn't think you can handle it.

You know that you can handle it, your experience shows that thinking outside of the box is half the solution. It's crazy the things that pop up and stand in your way that are totally unrelated to the education itself, take envy for example, take fear, silly emotions that make a homeschool teacher stumble. It's not the work itself, it's the obstacles within.

So stupid. Not that I'd waste a whole day feeling envy for the lives of non-homeschooling people, or for teachers who have just one grade to master, but it's in there. I only get glances though of the obstacles I need more discipline to cover. I used to just lean on pride, but today I realized I have to go deeper. Otherwise I am a fraud.

I'm not afraid to say it, along with my hopes to overcome it. I don't want these weaknesses anymore, these doubtful tendencies, stupid beliefs in impossibility. Not even for a moment, I don't want them in my character, I'm forcing my way forward with the discipline I've seen in others. It's hard, but I'm not holding myself back a single moment more.

Different than your average girl

I realized last night at SummerThing, where we took the kids to the yearly carnival that our small town invests in, I'm different than the average girl. I'm not entirely pleased with how I come across to my peers, probably overly-confident and sure of my views, and that gets more obnoxious every year. I can't help it.

I look around at the women who are in the same boat that I am, and imagine their interests extending mostly to fashion, their children, personal dramas, etcetera. I'm not saying I'm perfect, or that I'm too good or above all that. But I can't look at the world around me in the same way that I assume they have. And I admit it's assuming, I'm probably faulty in assuming that.

I look at the men walking beside their wives, I hope it doesn't offend anyone that I'm saying that. And I imagine that some, if not all of these guys, are simultaneously defending our freedoms, or have actually been to war, and seen the worst of the worst sides of man. I wonder if they might be acting happy for the most part, but have actually stood by watching helplessly as some child or infant is terrorized and screaming in some neighboring foreign land.

Perhaps none of them have, maybe it's purely projection, but I sympathize with THEIR cause above and beyond anything an average woman looks at. I feel like freedom is so fragile, and walking through history I recognize its aliveness. It's just a step away that we all depended on stealing and intimidating and destroying each other, just to get the very basics of our needs met.

The educated were the ones who took the helm. The self-proclaimed leaders, because nobody else had faith or courage to decide it, they were the ones that brought civilization into our laps. Much blood was shed, horrific sacrifices were made just to get us where we are today. I'm like ten years beyond still blaming the rest of the world for not getting it, for not understanding that it's entirely up to us to keep our standards for our own selves high enough to accomplish that.

In the blink of an eye we could spiral backwards into the dark ages. Even precious America, only two hundred years old could be lost. Nobody seems to get that in their insistence that we just follow our whims, and take every other principle and standard of behavior for granted. We are who we are because we've held onto the virtues of the past. We stay who we are because we firmly insist that we pay close attention to how we decide to act. It can all be lost in the blink of an eye, it can.

Sorta halfway there, almost

But, not really. Wouldn't that be funny if I was? Can't even imagine it, so that's pure speculation, with not a shred of reality to back it up. And you know how I hate assuming. It's fun for the short-term, imagination filling in all those gaps. But dang logic, and its principles, no, don't think it would turn out being funny in the end.

A thousand miles away from funny, mostly just crazy, with a dash of that's impossible. Now THAT'S what I'm halfway to, where I'm not done heading. Not exactly my plan about two hours ago, that plan was summed up in a sentence bearing the word nice. But, it was fleeting, flew right out of the window, I guess.

Not sure where it went anyway, or why it even attempted. It was a nice thought, a pure idea, but no. Don't think that's what halfway's gonna end up meaning in the end.

Drink up

Spirit gets mad though, don't ever get that wrong. Why else are we taught to fear God...because some arrogant pricks believe they're just entitled to all of God's goodness, none of the sacrifice, all of that's wrong. Arrogant pricks can sit with that for the rest of their empty lives for all I care.

Enjoy that? There's more. Ooh, I've always hated the arrogant, and not because I'm so humble, but because I'm wise. There's nothing more insulting to a wise ex-arrogant who can barely remember that time in her life anyway, it was so long ago there's no need to admit it...

than all of God's gifts that were wasted, that could have landed in the lap of still-arrogant-all-these-years-later. What a waste!

And, that's all I'm going to say on that pathetic, unenviable act.

The perfect sun

There will be no more perfect sun than the one that shined upon us today. So tomorrow, a less-than-perfect sun will be had. It's just how it works in a universe designed by me, according to MY divine plan.



Who do I think I am, one might ask, deciding for everybody which sun is perfect. Besides, it's the exact same sun each and every single day, isn't it? To tell you the truth, I'm so glad you asked.



There are 365 days of new sun every year, just as sure as Mars is right behind Earth. It just is what it is, with my will there's a way. Any more questions? Didn't think so, okay.

Wait a second...

that wasn't TIME, it was one of Jay's trash magazines. We were picking the kids up from his babysitting, and as usual, I flipped through that nonsense. Funny how I care zero suddenly for any of the celebrities in there, suddenly I'm like, scanning only for Will Ferrell, and hoping not to find him kissing on his wife. If he has one. I'm just modest like that, has nothing to do with being jealous. Will can do whatever's good for his career, so long as he keeps singing. And that applies to everyone.

My favorite movie that Will was in was that drama where he was living the life written by an author. Can't remember the name, knowing Will was in it is enough. His singing made me cry right there in the movie theater, he has the most beautiful soul ever, and convinced me that buying a guitar and learning to play was a good idea. It's not, but at the time I believed it with all my heart.

I really hate it when the best talent in all of Hollywood doesn't get placed in dramas where he belongs, and instead is forced to keep doing comedy. Oh well, I can't remember why I even brought this up, oh yeah, wait a second.

It was a funny moment I had when I read that article on Rachel Dratch. I almost clipped Amy Poehler's photo out because she looked so beautiful, but then I thought, what, am I in high school. It didn't take more than a minute to realize having a collage of Tina Fey pictures tucked under my bed would be stalker-ish, and totally taint how I see myself, let alone my hopes for great talent. What is with me mixing up all these names today?

Well, I'm not going to change it. Blame it on the weather yet again. I always do.

It's a comfort

It's a comfort to admit to myself that a life of no regret is more important than all those missed moments that could have been enjoyed to the fullest. Isn't that the lesson that's imposed...be grateful for the scraps that are left? Yes, I thought so.

Well, I've never been that kind of girl, one with a need for sloppy anything, so enjoy that. Glad you thought I was up for the assignment, at least I'm not crazy or delusional, because I spent much of today sure of that. Sane, and someone's one and only.

You could never, ever top that.