I guess I don't really want to talk about it

But thanks for asking. I want to continue meditating on uncertainties I can't believe in, it's just how I am. A miracle? Maybe, maybe somehow. But when your thought process is more drawn to the deal-with-it if, and the hopefully during and after, then hmm.

Just leaves you sunk somewhere in the middle, wondering. A rare case, the rarest. Are we blessed? Is it a chance and an opportunity as I keep telling myself, to learn more about populations similar to diabetics, that I never have good enough excuse to participate in?

Let's begin here, but don't guess it.

"Are you preparing me for bad news?" the innocent asks.

"I'm sorry. It's very severe." That's all he said.

All the things I'll never forget about that exchange, me and my overly observant dumb memory.

Blah, blah, blah, and then some more.

"So, what have you just heard me say?" Kind man asks.

"Um, it's very serious. I'm going to cry all the way home. And then wonder what I did wrong." All me.

Puts hand on girl's knee. "You did nothing wrong, I swear."

I knew that. But that's how shock is worn before the awe returns.

Best-laid plans

I guess everything gets broken for a reason. Maybe to better appreciate the shards? To make the edges less threatening, to allow for perspective? Who knows. Today though, after two typically slow days of snail's pace digestion (it felt more like three), I'm beginning anew. I have to.

I rarely forgive myself when I go astray from pure thinking. It dawned on me finally that God sets the path, that fear is the enemy, and peace intends to last. I've overcome so many self-limitations these past months, you'd think I cared only about growing, which I do.

Who I can be, what life would be like in a land of 100% acceptance, how that soft place to fall would feel if it actually existed. Maybe it only comes in pieces, but the whole's out there somewhere, or maybe just inside. But if it becomes easier to recognize through faith and devotion, then it's worth it.

It's meant to be ours. Could the universe be less complicated, I wouldn't want it to be. Appreciating everything that's in front of me with full ingratiation is the goal, then all else becomes blessing. That's the magic I keep trying to find in this back-to-school transition.

Once the settling occurs, when the flow restores itself into "allowing all" power. Then we get to choose, or examine life's options more carefully, and decide on our prayers. The best part, I'm telling you, it's yet to come. Ward off the dragons if they dare to show up, but ultimately, make them your friends.

It's a sweet day

If you care about things like that like I do. Slightly cool, overcast like fall is, well most days. It's honestly the best season of all the possible options, and then it will be winter, I covet them all. Fall though, means change. I guess in some sense all the seasons do.

Crunchy leaves, those pumpkin pies I'll never bake but can imagine. I'll roast the seeds though. Last year's tradition will certainly carry through. And the costumes, best part obviously. Many, many pictures are birthed in the fall. All memories to keep, and hold.

Never have much time to permanently store them, like all scrapbook style and girly, I don't live in that kind of world. Mine suits me anyway, perfect in all its ranges of color. I love today, I'll love tomorrow, and I'll love forever.

I just do. And always will.

New Beginnings

This one's going to take some planning, wherein I'm a newbie. Fly by the seat of my pants worked for homeschool,...integrating into the system, finding specific boundaries, and then defining for myself the new structure. I've learned that's elementary.

It's really the truth that we have all the cream of the crop teachers, that the principal respects us, and that we rarely miss a day of lunch. And that's me/us personally. Two weeks in, well two-and-a-half if you're counting...not bad priorities. Homeschool values still intact.

Can't please all the dissenters at every turn of the seasons. Can only listen, and maybe allow. And so crimefighters, align with that.

Welcome flux

Almost called this puppy dog "Who Invited Flux?" Thought it up on the way to the library (alongside the thunderstorm), and thought further...I'm going to keep it, it's perfect. Usually, I can't stand typing or writing anything that doesn't come right from the top of my head, rarely feels right.

Once I sat down however, and dug in to my intention, something rattled inside me and said, "nope, better change it". And so I did. Perfectly described my weekend, and now my week I guess, where flux is totally welcome to be annoying. Welcome flux, I love you and I trust you all the same.

Faults and flaws

I'm overly sensitive and I hold regular grudges, apparently. Not that anyone has currently noticed, must be a secret side of myself I'm just discovering. Yup, everything sets me off into "hey wait, since you...then I". Last week it was poor usage of exclamation points in very serious circumstances (screwed with my entire grasp of punctuation altogether).

Now, it's the silence. Long days without children hanging on your every gift, move and glimmer, takes time to get used to. Almost as if silence thought it was funny, or interesting to be silent, when really, I'll be grudging about silence all weekend. And, being Labor Day, it will be a long suffering weekend of "fine, it's creative...but I expect better" and nausea.

Being pregnant like I am, I'm uncomfortable daily. Having always prided myself on being symptom free, it's like attack of the "how much can you take" bug. Hope it's not swine flu, who needs the fear of dying? Anyhoo. Picture me two months from now, a bump larger than a basketball and what's this...slush, snow and cold...hmm, I must be Superwoman.

I sometimes just wish life would be easier on me, you know.