Meghan McCain for Republican power player

It's all I can think of. Besides what bitches those non-movie-reviewing Momversation elitists still are, and racist. Uma wouldn't want her gadget associated with them anyway, I just know these things as true. Always tend to be, and you?

What do you currently know to be true? That it's entirely newsworthy to describe insurance companies as cartels, to banish Fox news, and also...what was that one thing I was going to enlist the girls to solve on our Target fashion cruise?

Hmm, let me think. Out loud of course, much louder than Dooce. Who does read by the way, and still loves Disney and fine paper, I'm sure. Let's see...no, it was not Dana's inane idea about prostituting herself in Africa. Nor Asha, um who?

Twasn't anything Lisa Belkin said lately at the Motherlode. Ever since her whole "I left my child in the backseat of my car on a hot day to die" expose, I've been avoiding her. Still haunting me though. Not the Steven Weber, who's still annoying everyone at HuffPo.

At least I THINK he is, lemme check...oh dear God. And no. Simpson's fanatic who's gay? Gabe, my original inspiration and who I'll forever be indebted to? Gone missing. Goddamnit blogspot and everything un-related to Momversation forever!

Of everything I'm missing, in the whole of my life, it's free access to blogspot colors, anytime I wish. That palette of all those shades of orange and blue, limited, but freedom has no price.

Someday it will be TRUE.

Poor Kanye

He lost his mother, and held Beyonce up on a pedestal, can you believe the man? Seeing grace and power in a beautiful, talented woman, and wanting the whole world to know that. Oops! For shame, for shame, dumb Kanye West. Betrayal feels good, don't it? By your very own generation, no less.

It's half your fault though, those stupid songs you and your homies write about "running the town" as if you could when you're black. You actually can't. I mean, perhaps Ne Ne could do it with the help of that white Housewife chick who actually builds actual bridges between blind white people and blacks. THEN, it might be possible.

But of course, you'd have to ask Cameron. You see Kanye, you're not going to get anywhere in life with one chance. And it seems David Letterman took it from ya, I told ya we're fast.

I guess I don't really want to talk about it

But thanks for asking. I want to continue meditating on uncertainties I can't believe in, it's just how I am. A miracle? Maybe, maybe somehow. But when your thought process is more drawn to the deal-with-it if, and the hopefully during and after, then hmm.

Just leaves you sunk somewhere in the middle, wondering. A rare case, the rarest. Are we blessed? Is it a chance and an opportunity as I keep telling myself, to learn more about populations similar to diabetics, that I never have good enough excuse to participate in?

Let's begin here, but don't guess it.

"Are you preparing me for bad news?" the innocent asks.

"I'm sorry. It's very severe." That's all he said.

All the things I'll never forget about that exchange, me and my overly observant dumb memory.

Blah, blah, blah, and then some more.

"So, what have you just heard me say?" Kind man asks.

"Um, it's very serious. I'm going to cry all the way home. And then wonder what I did wrong." All me.

Puts hand on girl's knee. "You did nothing wrong, I swear."

I knew that. But that's how shock is worn before the awe returns.

Best-laid plans

I guess everything gets broken for a reason. Maybe to better appreciate the shards? To make the edges less threatening, to allow for perspective? Who knows. Today though, after two typically slow days of snail's pace digestion (it felt more like three), I'm beginning anew. I have to.

I rarely forgive myself when I go astray from pure thinking. It dawned on me finally that God sets the path, that fear is the enemy, and peace intends to last. I've overcome so many self-limitations these past months, you'd think I cared only about growing, which I do.

Who I can be, what life would be like in a land of 100% acceptance, how that soft place to fall would feel if it actually existed. Maybe it only comes in pieces, but the whole's out there somewhere, or maybe just inside. But if it becomes easier to recognize through faith and devotion, then it's worth it.

It's meant to be ours. Could the universe be less complicated, I wouldn't want it to be. Appreciating everything that's in front of me with full ingratiation is the goal, then all else becomes blessing. That's the magic I keep trying to find in this back-to-school transition.

Once the settling occurs, when the flow restores itself into "allowing all" power. Then we get to choose, or examine life's options more carefully, and decide on our prayers. The best part, I'm telling you, it's yet to come. Ward off the dragons if they dare to show up, but ultimately, make them your friends.

It's a sweet day

If you care about things like that like I do. Slightly cool, overcast like fall is, well most days. It's honestly the best season of all the possible options, and then it will be winter, I covet them all. Fall though, means change. I guess in some sense all the seasons do.

Crunchy leaves, those pumpkin pies I'll never bake but can imagine. I'll roast the seeds though. Last year's tradition will certainly carry through. And the costumes, best part obviously. Many, many pictures are birthed in the fall. All memories to keep, and hold.

Never have much time to permanently store them, like all scrapbook style and girly, I don't live in that kind of world. Mine suits me anyway, perfect in all its ranges of color. I love today, I'll love tomorrow, and I'll love forever.

I just do. And always will.

New Beginnings

This one's going to take some planning, wherein I'm a newbie. Fly by the seat of my pants worked for homeschool,...integrating into the system, finding specific boundaries, and then defining for myself the new structure. I've learned that's elementary.

It's really the truth that we have all the cream of the crop teachers, that the principal respects us, and that we rarely miss a day of lunch. And that's me/us personally. Two weeks in, well two-and-a-half if you're counting...not bad priorities. Homeschool values still intact.

Can't please all the dissenters at every turn of the seasons. Can only listen, and maybe allow. And so crimefighters, align with that.

Welcome flux

Almost called this puppy dog "Who Invited Flux?" Thought it up on the way to the library (alongside the thunderstorm), and thought further...I'm going to keep it, it's perfect. Usually, I can't stand typing or writing anything that doesn't come right from the top of my head, rarely feels right.

Once I sat down however, and dug in to my intention, something rattled inside me and said, "nope, better change it". And so I did. Perfectly described my weekend, and now my week I guess, where flux is totally welcome to be annoying. Welcome flux, I love you and I trust you all the same.

Faults and flaws

I'm overly sensitive and I hold regular grudges, apparently. Not that anyone has currently noticed, must be a secret side of myself I'm just discovering. Yup, everything sets me off into "hey wait, since you...then I". Last week it was poor usage of exclamation points in very serious circumstances (screwed with my entire grasp of punctuation altogether).

Now, it's the silence. Long days without children hanging on your every gift, move and glimmer, takes time to get used to. Almost as if silence thought it was funny, or interesting to be silent, when really, I'll be grudging about silence all weekend. And, being Labor Day, it will be a long suffering weekend of "fine, it's creative...but I expect better" and nausea.

Being pregnant like I am, I'm uncomfortable daily. Having always prided myself on being symptom free, it's like attack of the "how much can you take" bug. Hope it's not swine flu, who needs the fear of dying? Anyhoo. Picture me two months from now, a bump larger than a basketball and what's this...slush, snow and cold...hmm, I must be Superwoman.

I sometimes just wish life would be easier on me, you know.

It was powerful

The meaning of potent, see, I promised. Going to keep this short though, not for lack of time, but last session's rambling, kind of embarrassing. All that re-reading of blah blah, so boring. Usually I like to meditate later on the phrases that flash through my mind, not true this time.

All inconsequential, and lately, I need only the important. And want it. That's new for me, to allow the wants with the needs, an evolution of sorts. Much to do, much to be, less time to spare, that's now become me.

Winged thoughts

Focus children, this is not about airplanes despite the confusing title. It's about thoughts just flung out there, explored, some worse than others. Don't bite an airplane, or an insult, both are made of metal. Huh? Me either.

Paedomorphosis is supposedly the best brand of evolution out there, like total regression into the juvenile, before deciding, or just landing (hey, airplanes do this!) in a superior mode of adulthood. Look around enemies for life, very few are willing to own the whole picture.

Take school for example (it's the only one I have), besides the teachers there's the parents, oh c'mon, you didn't know that. Stating the obvious, it's my speciality, doesn't mean metal's now an essential part of my diet. Logic 101, where beginners dare tread.

Yes, we're talking automobiles now, you knew I was that fast. Vroom, vroom !!! Anyway, gonna slow down here, but just winging it, so I've no idea what I'm gonna write here. Not even sure I'll delight you, oh enemy of the past. Way long ago, and further, before then.

Ah yes, that's the ticket (who used to say that?) Probably one of the uglies, very few coinwords come from those who are attractive. What, I'm the only one to notice? So anyway, winging it, usually worth it.

Not this time, this time, going nowhere, and fast.

Calendar addiction

A, B, C's and seven day weeks, my bad. This is the "last week of summer vacation", whatever that's becoming in this "of course I'm sure" land. I could invent a thousand new lands a week, seems to capture it all properly, the perfect canvas for my hallucinations, oh wait, still hanging on to "imagination" until then.

Nobody wants to land squarely in hallucination land and look back with regret. Scariest ride there is, don't get on it even if broccoli-eating leprechauns insist it's like medicine. Dirty devils, you have no rotten idea. Left last week's postings filled up to the brim with "couldn't get any better than thees", and I meant it.

Got kidnapped by evening, totally destroyed every shred of certain happiness. Literally stepped into a self-made trap, got gobbled up by a troll, and then spit back out with the only idea being surrender. Worked though, it must've. Because I'm still alive, have gathered back most of my pieces, but holy shit, don't want to EVER go through that lack o'serenity again. Never, ever.

Oh my God did that suck, and no, I'm no wiser. But I survived it, walked through it like a champion (pronounce that in French), and I'm back. Again.

A strong, steady heartbeat

Makes everything better when you can actually hear it, Wednesday didn't end up being so bad. I don't know what I was expecting, maybe that final reckoning for all I didn't cherish, all I never dared to take for granted any of those last times. Fear's not the worst sin in the world, it's the only way that finding your way becomes possible, makes you thankful for the deliverance and evermoreso devoted to grace.

This baby for example, it's about 13 weeks along, just guessing. It's extra special in my eyes, because this child was definitely created for an undeniable reason. Not that I know what it is. But, I do know that this baby is a witness to something extraordinary, maybe showed up just in time to see for its own self what it feels like to grow inside of a mother who's overflowing with so much delectable love on her insides.

Could be, maybe it's something else, but I like entertaining myself by thinking of it this way. I'd never hold back all the love I have, especially with a precious being eager to know what the world has in store for its future. Quite the dose I've given it so far, every range of emotion I'd never encountered or even considered. Life changes and hormones will do that to you, as will uncertainty about all things and the excavating I always seem to be prone to.

Good day overall, except for the lack of flow in my writing. I hate not being at the mercy of my muse whenever I feel it, that's the worst part. But it's strengthening me in other ways, ways that support the next stage of my journey...it may translate into better writing, if that's something I decide to even care about. Mostly now it's just the school year, my faithful walk into new territories, and digesting all I've chosen for my life so far.