Grandstand

A functional parade with dandelions blowing in the breeze, seen it anywhere? That space, where someone listened intently, whose very existence resonated with my every held thought, belief, and expression? Life wouldn't remain complete without it, that reliable space of forever beholding.

It is God, only castmember left. But the romance, the affair of the heart that encourages the entire finished act to be said out loud. I love you earth, wind, breeze... love you summer ending up as autumn even when you couldn't have planned it. It just was.

God, are u in there? Standing above and beyond, leading the pack, the star. Famous for no reason but pure luck, circumstance, and an extra-driven edge. Plus, knowing people.

Harmony restored

First day that homelife actually fell into the rhythm I savor...rising together with the same sense of purpose, breakfast enjoyed and then scheduled fun. Time with my oldest has never felt so important as she bridges into adolescence, a girl I adore.

All these ages that will never recur, not a moment missed, no memory neglected...it's ours to revere. Looking ahead at the lives we'll be leading, adult children and elderly parents, that'll someday be us. Can't take any of it for granted, and won't.

Never tempted.

Fashion bound

Falling back into love

...with a life filled with love, and many blessings. Dare I try it? It's still spring and with summer cheating on all of us and showing up today, being perfect without asking. Traveling deep within all my prejudices, healing scars from my past as they call out my name.

Facing aging, lifetime's milestones, that next stage of journeying. Taking something of it for myself, planning ahead, plotting the length before me. Bearing judgment I've deserved, but walking forward, still hoping.

Things of this earth

No, that roadblock right there. Squint harder. Few people will bask in mothering three-year-old toddlers like I will. On an off-day, like today perhaps, reading that board book for the first time (not the zillionth) might strain nerves they ordinarily wouldn't.

Best time, of her life and mine. For me, it's not just a day filled with meditation, in between studying and laundry, but just another ordinary day to work harder. Maybe I'm working harder at feeling less bored today, when I wouldn't ordinarily.

Allowing for today, and its roadblocks and new boredom...has no predictable influence on tomorrow. Which will automatically be different, just how it is.

Narcissism wins!!!

Reading the future

I'm following my counselor's advice to the tee, staying fully present in every moment, becoming rubber and just being. It's allowing all of my energy ties to release their holds, past and present. The future still bodes.

I don't know why I keep the same vision intact, as if I could ever know something ahead of its being true. The pace at which I'm developing and refining all my skills...beyond supernatural, something larger's working its way through.

Don't know what, or why. Just that I'm being the best mom and wife I can be, as if every cherished moment is one less regret. Filling my albums with pictures and memories, so in the end, in the end then what?

Well, I'll know I've done my best. That's GOT to be the reason for all this strange, unexpected striving. Or, I just realize life is short and this is the only chance we get.

No open gym today

Today is two appointment Monday, which was going to be Mute Monday...but well, you know. Daniel Merriweather just came on VH1, so another victory. "You see the pictures...but you don't know their names..." whatever that means.

"All of these problems, they're all in your head." And I can't be someone else. Who can, really? I tried throughout this weekend to accept my passion for feng shui as not just normal, but a productive use of mime energy.

And, it works!! Your outer environment is an exact replica of your inner experience, and so if something is triggered within, by say, a sight line. Just fix it, and a space is cleared in your being. If you can't mime at it and produce a pose, it still counts!

If you can mime at it, yet not with pure energy...mission not accomplished. Blogging the aftermath, not recommended.

Less than ten minutes

I just feel openhearted and accepting of all the people in my life, everywhere. And I'm sure, as confirmed by my mystical influence (Myss) that every measure of positive change, release, acceptance makes an actual knowable seeable influence somewhere else on earth.

Believe in the power of that influence and walk all of the roads. Could cure what ails the whole world with that belief on go.

Ice cold tears

Cried last night (as if this is Monday). Only for the briefest moment as I looked back at what kind of mother I've been this past year. Not a good one. Too much fighting for no reason, and probably too much excitement and ridiculous human conditions beyond my soul's choosing.

Because a soul would never be stupid enough to choose half the things I've lived this year. Right?

My dad's heading out 2nite

I'm sure the cabin will miss him greatly all weekend. Got a cross sums book I'm totally heading towards, my one affliction...let's not go there. No Fresca, I promise.

Bubbly and refreshing, but still, no. Wouldn't drink it even if offered to me by, oh never mind. I'm working on my basement and making linear progress. Meaning, my sight lines are getting cleared out, does that make me annoying?

Is it weird that I want to literally put on a cape and fly around my basement, up the stairs, into cleaning mode when need be. Like a superhero, yeah. I said it.

So there.

Asha's HOMESCHOOLING!!!

And here, I was searching the internet for a Milkbone advertisement I could believe in. Animal lovers will adore her reasoning for replacing her son's school peers with a more reliable animal...a PIG!!! Doesn't George Clooney have a pig? Maggie would know.

Oh wait, wait...a dog. But her observations on his struggles at school, and all the attempts at therapies and school changes, ding ding ding...is that a quiet little triangle bell I'm hearing? No, just another flashback from my years in elementary. Good memory, don't get me wrong.

Michael's has gone UPSCALE!

I walked in all about the scrapbooking, I swear to God!!! Was gonna find some patterns that spoke music into my soul (might calm the screaming)...just some 79 cent pieces of paper to ponder.

Ha, ha. I'd rather pay most of a dollar for ANOTHER piece of paper that's not green. Why did I get bowled over there again? Oh yeah. Flashbacks, flashbacks galore!!!

Actually, the scrapbook aisle appeared to have shrunk. Yet every jewelry-making fantasy I've ever had came true in no less than three well-stocked aisles. And I'm thinking Christmas, and other celebrations I'm currently blocking out.

I am, guess whose fault. Not the dog's obviously. Anyhoo, I forgot what I was saying, but totally had everything to do with Jes MaHarry of sundance (reminds me of Jewel). I SWEAR!!!

Tomorrow's work

Growing pains

As I walk the long road of becoming reacquainted with family, trading in my previously coveted throne as "that one who homeschooled against our advice and produced more grandkids than we needed", it's hard.

Really painful, and something I'd normally avoid, thanks to my knowledge of ROOT chakras and the dilemmas they cause. Before, standing alone wasn't only necessary, but it's where I belonged.

I only wrote that last part for its rhyming capacity, it's not really where I belonged. I experiment daily though, with standing APART from everyone, keeping my energy my own.

But now, my dad needs me in the fold, and despite the hurt I feel in my heart and throat, I keep myself aimed. Toward full grown. Yes, that sounds like it belongs there, doesn't it?

No. Well, point is, the places where it hurts to grow, we should go. You know?

The bottom of the pickle barrel

It's where I found my missing parts, and surprisingly, the rainbow reflecting itself in the putrid juice...not as freaky as I'd imagined. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE pickles...on everyday of the week, even Mondays.

But mostly, they just remind me that my position in life was a gift given to me directly by God. And of course by position, I'm referring to my status as wife, mother, and pollyanna self. I almost gave up the pollyanna schtick altogether, until I realized.

Mainly, I realized that the world is kind of depressing without it, and my obsession about writing what I shouldn't for all the wrong reasons...wouldn't be as satisfying without my prescription blinders.

So, I'm keeping 'em, training for my own special kind of marathon, and yes. Being nothing but myself is plenty, and enough.

Don't join the Grand Old Party

My bad, majorly. Never admit to being Republican in front of me at least, as I recently saw a movie where a man owned 75 Taco Bells and had a black son BEFORE he met a Democrat in real life. Based on a totally true story even.

My dad is the HUGEST FAN of Sandra Bullock, and Drew Barrymore too, but it's mostly Sandy he keeps going on and on about lately. Doesn't have anything bad to say about Jesse James, which is not unusual for our family (not gossips, actually).

He just likes that Sandra Bullock, great acting he says.

It's a Diary of a Wimpy Kid festival

At the library, of course. Saw the greatest housedress today on an actual woman...lavenderish. Checking out some DVDs, probably to spite her ex-husband who controls everything about her, except her wardrobe.

Even watched her snag a CHILDREN'S EVENTS brochure (I already have one), and here's me hoping I'll see more of her. I recall a long, long time ago, back when iVillage was in fashion...an interaction with a woman who had 15 children.

Yes, it appeared she was in an abusive marriage, based on her non-answers to my questions which were, "____" and "____". Currently, I cannot remember. All I know as of now, based on experiences that occurred no less than an hour ago:

Break jobs, both front and rear...$95. Of course, the cute pictures drawn by the mechanic's children weren't even extra. Just hung half-amorously up on a bulletin board (on his wall). Some Pringles advertising he'd somehow talked his chil'ren into.

Weird, strange, and of course totally obvious.

Guess where I went on my pass

Church first, where I realized it's the HEART that sings, not the voice. Hadn't previously known this. And I lifted my hands in praise for the first time, well, only my right because I don't like to draw attention (it's embarrassing). Felt the pulse of spirit, though.

Right behind me sat a UND SIOUX player, in UNIFORM! Stayed afterwards to soak up as much as God would give him (we won!!!) Then, we went to Starbucks. You know, I bought this TANGO CD last time I was in exchanging my gift card for the mini-version.

Don't know why I bought music without lyrics, and can only listen to one track in good conscience (there's a tango for conspiracies). Maybe I'm saving it for one of my better moods. But I also noticed the snacks are sure becoming mom-friendly...geared exactly for all those moms out there who ALREADY KNOW superior parenting.

I'm still in the failing category, but aiming for wholeness. My dad being here feels pre-divined. Like, he's always felt guilty about living by my brothers and celebrating grandchildren, while my kids could use a grandpa (and I could use a nanny).

So, good sights ahead.

Post 101

The thing about computers versus reality,...is that the colors you selflessly chose for one blog (of the many), are misrepresented on OTHER computer screens. Take 'Parades and Such" as my first example (why wouldn't there be more?). I chose lilac, yet here, at Marie Claire headquarters...it's like some royal blue I've rarely heard of.

If blogs could be respected in BW & gray...that's my first choice.

Just got back from my doctor's office

What a mess!!! They've totally restructured the data processing system at Altru, and let me be the first to tell you...the receptionists upstairs ARE NOT HAPPY! Of course I asked, why wouldn't I? I was lucky to be in there at all, getting a six-week checkup.

Not everybody on the globe gets six-week check-ups, and lucky also for me, I'm not uncomfortably pregnant. Just slim, and trying to decide which exercise program will best tighten my abs. Never really had a problem with stretch marks, I'll have myself know.

Already back down to a weight I shall not announce, but will privately pat my very own mother's jeans on the back for. Thank you Mom, for being skinny, and passing on those genes. Has served the hair-dye industry well (no need when you're not gray!)

Anyway, this is WAY OFF on a tangent, and I'm SUPER late and having to get home and explain myself. Which I don't tend to mind. It's better than being self-reproachful and self-condemning all the time, which Jill says is NOT of God. Oops, my bad!

Just wanted to let the girls know that my uterus is back to its healthy size, everything's in place despite what the media tends to teach to disenfranchise women everywhere. And, totally going to try out those little blue pills.

Of course, it was ME who had to ask my doctor to give me the lower dose (ain't having a stroke during MY lifetime)...I'll just have to combine methods. Never been a problem for me, really.

Morning rituals

I'm a bullshit artist, so bear with me. The internet is so unpredictable, I never know WHO'S going to entice me...just get used to it is the only advice I can propose.

I've thought once or twice about being so organized a school-parent, that I'd lay my children's clothing out the night before. Never, would I throw up my hands and do what "other moms" just do, which is to get kids dressed the night before.

I can barely stand the thought of the wrinkles, let alone an uncomfortably spent sleep in denim, snaps and buttons. We don't even let them sleep in SOCKS, for God's sake (learned that good habit from my husband).

Laying clothes out the night before isn't nearly as sinful, but I SAVOR walking into their rooms each morning, embracing the unpredictable. First, I turn on a light and sit quietly, then decide who needs a shower-bath, or just get their clothes out.

Even my eleven year old, who's fully fashion-capable...I enjoy being that mom who does it the same way everyday. Back, when the school year began, I chose something easier. Allowing for the "hurry up and get dressed" chaos, I'd sneak downstairs a tad earlier.

Sitting on the couch alone, watching music videos. That's how I began our school year, and had planned to spend all winter. But, I adapted to new requirements for new rhythms and saved my videos for a little later.

I have the best of all worlds, the way I see it and live it. Nothing like new artists being added to the mix though, my time for "me time" begins once they're out the door.

In love with pictures

Surprise! The THIRD component of humor, looked it up this evening.

Not going to download that picture

Just thought I'd announce my intentions before I didn't complete the task. It was the serious, womanly one from church, remember? I second-guessed downloading it only this evening, as before then, I didn't really care one way or the other.

My original inspiration, for when I was planning to download it, had to do with other pictures I've seen taken when people didn't care. Care about what? Oh, about exactly how it looked to other people. You know, there's character to be seen in those moments when you don't care how it looks to other people.

Now, I've downloaded the picture. Second-guessed that second-guessed thought. Not even going to call it third-guessed, because that would cross the line into kitschy, and you know how I LOVE kitchy.



There, I've downloaded the picture and yes, my forehead is shiny, my skin is blotchy, and my glasses are crooked. Not that I care, these days. I just wanted to prove something to myself I guess...one, being that character counts more than superficiality.

Two, that I can be wrong, and correct my own self. And three...that one day at a time, with faith, God's will is best. Whatever that might become in this day-and-age. Whatever, you know?

Of course, Daphne's not such a bitch either

She DOES have more money than the rest of us, and might stay married to that chef. I don't know, some of those vlogs... And, her annoying edge of having already interviewed every celebrity on the planet and NOT made fun of their fashions. I think she likes people too.

She's not the whole entire reason I started watching the TV GUIDE channel religiously (it was the Adrianne Curry re-runs, totally). In fact, I'm not sure I've seen Daphne on the TV GUIDE channel enough to make it worth my time.

And no, I'm not saying the TV GUIDE channel is going to usurp Seacrest's attempts at red carpet event handling...can't really compete with half-a-screen no matter how great the hosting is. Anyone else notice this about the TV GUIDE channel?

It has half a screen and NO TWITTER!!! Strangest thing I've ever witnessed in my life, but I keep watching anyway. Just in case I see a name I like. Sometimes.

Okay, never.

Only the Game Show

Turns out drooling IS allowed on television these days. And, marionettes have strings emanating straight from their hearts, uplifting. Makes me less resentful of the pile of laundry I stared down this morning, determined to come up with an actual plan that involved concerted effort.

A small goal, to never leave the house again before all my laundry is folded and put away. Seemed simple and possible in the moment, not too much to ask the universe's guiding grace for. Yet, within moments I was attacked by SEVEN DEMONS!!!

C'mon, this happens to other people all the time, right? Can a housewife never remain permanently satisfied, ever? God forbade it, of course.

And so, I started ruminating about past blogs I've loved who've let me down. Chef Anne came immediately to mind, because she's the only trained chef I know who has a husband who fell off a roof and never regained his totality back. Thank God she thought to go to cooking school before she birthed seven kids. Plus, she gives out free cookbooks. To ME!!!

Garlic bread IS an art, I knew it.

Josh and Fergie were my favorites

It takes a strong woman to carry forth with all that betrayal on her arm. How could Josh not have known that Fergie's big debut as a movie seductress was about to occur? A-list cast, all her talents forever cemented on the big screen...and a fall from grace redeemed only by their willingness to walk-it-out in the public's eye.

I still think he's a toad, and a monotone one at that, but the dramatic elements of "can hearts ever be truly mended"? A new twist on sensation, catered with devotion by the tabloids. She has an edge of course, being strict Roman Catholic. Well, if you conveniently ignore the bi-sexuality, which romantic and all-inclusive as it is, doesn't really flow so well with the Church.

We'll see if God really is kind and loving after this, for sure. It was the eye-contact that was still too skirting to convince me that Josh wasn't just arm-candy until the whole ordeal was over. Do publicists actually recommend vow renewals these days? Hire a new one.

Fergie, he's cute. Keep him. It must be a universal guy-sign, when they bite on their lips, waiting for the love of their lives to forget what dickheads they've been. Trust me, sleeping with a stripper is insulting, but continuing to mock you publicly through all his friends...at least you've been spared THAT kind of bitch slap.

Well, you're married, so different rules apply I'm sure. FRIENDS are allowed to shit on each other all they want, because the assumption is always there that "who they are" isn't "how they are". Some distinction I'm still trying to figure out as I plunder through all that worthless glitter.

The pain of childbirth

Fuckin' hurts, I'll have you know. Nothing like the anticipation however, of the pain that lasts and lasts and lasts. Well, it's worth it in the end...that baby experience makes it so. Dead or alive, can't choose every destiny your heart desires, some just go with the mighty flow.

And complain whenever possible. Turning myself into my own enemy isn't something I'd really thought of until this week, feeling less "degraded" and "humiliated" than yesterday, though. And all last week when I really, really thought about it.

In exchange for holding my head high, from now on I'll just meditate on Jay Leno. Funny the things I learn from the power elite these days. Of course, car whores are unique, in that they have less lack-of-lack than anyone on earth, so.

Probably makes their comedy more intravenous than an actual contribution to society. A stabilizing force for the poor-needing-structure in their nightly "I'm not REALLY being deceived and screwed over by the Halliburtons of the world".

Robin Williams would never partake, no matter how much real estate he owns. It's genuine character and talent he leans towards, although he did say something surprising last night to Charlie Rose (was actually taped on Dec. 4th).

Doesn't really give much of a crap about the up-and-coming, they do just fine on their own. He called their acts "interesting" however...not enough funny. He only gives props to the masters.

To each his own.

Jet-setting it in Fargo

Gosh, I wish all the pieces would just fall into place. Every part of me wants the universe to know that there's no better way to spend a life than absorbed in your children. From there, each loved moment fully-lived reaps more blessings than any human deserves, talk about intention!

One chance to tune-in all the way, to look back at every choice knowing you did your absolute best. It's hard enough to be imperfect as a parent, but to sacrifice those moments to reverie, or wonder, or anything separate from the only now that can be controlled...it's a loss.

My mind never stops considering all the possibilities in life. What I wouldn't give to learn about politics from the past, to hear just one "when Hoover was in office" from a Chris Matthews who's been there. To be able to sort effortlessly between the haves and have-nots, and understand completely why their influence is any better.

I do what I do, and I used to do it well. It's never been not-enough, it's always been exactly my purpose on earth, and I'm still there. Some decade, I guess, a new one even, perhaps. Well, if my feet will start walking again, in their own steps...I just might arrive there.

I swear I'm in labor

What do I know, only done this five times before. Lots of things are different during this pregnancy than my last ones. For one, I've barely had time to enjoy my "outcast" status, so consumed with the non-essential details of being who I am despite my better judgment.

Walking around in public with five kids is one thing, garners teachable stares. But PREGNANT with five kids, haven't been able to bask once in an "oh my God, LOOK!"...although I've wanted to. Many times, I'd have liked nothing more than to have held my head high with the "you betcha" I've worked so hard all on my own to attain.

I can tolerate the stares of cute children, however. Their eyes grow the size of saucers when a mom-like-theirs walks by with five children in tow, and pregnant. A world of possibility must open up for them, an actual real-live "people actually do CHOOSE to have more than 2-3 children, you know."

I'm evangelical and proud in that way, and always will be.